Lactose Addiction
by tii-chan17
Summary: Crack fic! There is a thief at the Urahara Shōten. They seem to have rather strange taste, though...Rated for extreme safety!


**A/N: I got a request for a cute UraYoru oneshot, and came up with this disaster! Only romance if you squint, stupid, pointless, short and daft. Hope you enjoy, Rainbow Fruit Loop! (The cause of this deformed brain-child) XD**

**Anwayyy...I actually have no idea how this baby came to mind. I think it's because I always pegged Yoruichi to be _very _slightly addicted to milk. Even if it is actually bad for cats. And if both of the cats I've ever had hate it. Oh well!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. All credit goes to Kubo Tite, whose brain children are unarguably much more sane than mine! XP  
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Lactose Addiction

Urahara Kisuke sighed heavily as he looked into the store's fridge. No milk. Again. Now, normally he was a patient man with these types of unavoidable inconveniences, but he _knew_ there was supposed to be at least two cartons of the stuff. He'd bought them _that morning_, for the love of God.

Kisuke's mind started creaking into motion, running over the facts again and again before coming to the conclusion that the only explanation to this particular mystery was the existence of a milk thief in the Urahara Shōten.

…

"So, let me get this straight. We have a thief in the store that keeps going into the kitchen and stealing _milk_, of all things."

"Yes, Jinta-kun," Urahara smiled at the boy, deciding to suffer through the boy's lack of intelligence.

"But why would they steal milk?"

"How would I know? All I'm sure of is that I want to have cereal that _isn't _dry for breakfast once in a while." Kisuke informed him, his smile becoming forced.

"Fair point…" Jinta mused, nodding in appreciation.

Next to him, Ururu raised her eyebrow at her neighbour in what was as close as she could come to a patronizing stare. "Jinta-kun has missed the most intriguing part of Kisuke-san's explanation," she told the boy.

Jinta's brow furrowed in irritation. "What? No I haven't!"

"You have," she countered firmly, before turning to Urahara. "Kisuke-san, what makes you say that there's a thief _in _the store. Wouldn't it make more sense if they were infiltrating from outside?"

Kisuke was surprised. Ururu was really surpassing herself today. "Well, Ururu, I know for a fact the thief is someone who comes and goes often, because _this_ little contraption here," Kisuke reached up and unhooked the reiatsu detector from its position above the store entrance, "hasn't recorded any unfamiliar reiatsu passing through the door recently."

"But what if the thief's a human? They wouldn't have any reiatsu to speak of." Jinta frowned at the shopkeeper, crossing his arms.

"Ah, but the milk that is being stolen is, or should I say, was, situated in the store's fridge." Kisuke informed the two children.

"…And?" Jinta prompted.

"And that particular invention of mine requires a small release of reiatsu to open it. Not enough to be detected, but more than an average human would have." Urahara said, proud of his ingenious (in his opinion) invention.

"…Right. So what do you want us to do?" the boy asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. Ururu, on the other hand, was looking up at him so trustingly it made the shopkeeper's heart ache a bit.

"Uh…catch the thief. Any means possible," Kisuke smiled at the two cheerfully, ruffling their hair.

Jinta ducked away from his hand. "Okay. When do they usually come?"

"…The raids don't really have a pattern. It's sporadic," the man shrugged.

"So how are we supposed to know when to catch them?" Jinta demanded disbelievingly.

"That's not my problem, now is it, Jinta-kun?" Kisuke smiled down at him.

A glance at Ururu told the shopkeeper her trust in him had decreased dramatically.

…

Urahara was enjoying a rather lovely cup of English tea, black of course, when he was startled by a rather loud explosion from the back of the store, where the kitchen was located.

"That was quick," he observed as his two underage employees came in, dragging a struggling…_something_ in a bag behind them.

"Yeah, well, we caught the thief." Jinta unnecessarily told him. He dumped the sack on the floor and turned for the doorway, pulling Ururu along by the wrist. Before he went out, he turned again to the slightly bemused Kisuke. "Good luck," was all he said.

Kisuke turned rather apprehensively to the sack, which was now trying and failing to make a break for the open door. He grabbed the struggling bundle and opened the tie around the neck of the bag, peeping inside.

He was met with a rather vicious claw to the face.

"Ow!" he protested, falling back and landing on the floor with a rather undignified bump.

A black cat leapt out of the sack, hissing and spitting. When it saw him however, it looked mildly surprised, before its expression shifted to one of shame.

Urahara peered at the cat before recognizing the rather curious way it held itself. "Yoruichi-san?" he asked, surprised.

"Meh," the cat replied, before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Urahara had the decency to cover his eyes as the mist cleared, revealing his old friend in a state of nudity.

As Yoruichi pulled on some clothes, Kisuke asked, "Why are you stealing the milk?"

Silence.

The shopkeeper cracked his eyes open, saw that Yoruichi was now fully-dressed, and repeated his question. "Yoruichi-san. Why are you stealing the milk?"

Yoruichi sighed. "The dairy on the other side of town closed down a week ago. There's nowhere else I can get milk from." she informed him, looking appropriately abashed. "By the way," she added, "I swear those kids have gotten even better while I've been away. Have you been training with them?"

"That's beside the point. The point is, I can't afford to keep you and myself, not mentioning Jinta-kun and Ururu, in milk full-time; I haven't had an order from Soul Society in months. And I do enjoy my cereal."

"Yeah…sorry. But where am I supposed to get milk from then?" Yoruichi asked desperately. Her lactose addiction wasn't lightening any, Kisuke observed.

"Tell you what, Yoruichi-san, if you promise not to steal milk from the fridge, I will buy you one carton every three days. No more, though. Deal?"

"Deal," Yoruichi quickly agreed, shaking his hand.

"Alright then. Come on, Yoruichi-san, promise!" the shopkeeper prompted, beaming expectantly.

Yoruichi hesitated. "Fine," she surrendered eventually, "I promise I won't steal any milk from here," she vowed.

"Thank you, Yoruichi-san." Kisuke smiled fondly at her.

Yoruichi grinned at him and leaned over to peck his cheek. She then shifted to his ear, and whispered, "I have quite a few friends to do the dirty work for me, though."

Urahara's eyes widened in confusion. "What? Yoruichi-san, what on earth do you—"

"GAH!" a shout interrupted them. "KISUKE! WE'RE BEING OVERRUN BY CATS!"

Urahara started at Jinta's distress call, attempting to grab onto the collar of Yoruichi's shirt as she shunpoed to the window. He missed.

"See you Kisuke! Oh, and by the way, you might want to start abstaining from milk for a while. Just until they open up a new dairy!" she cackled, shifting into her cat form and jumping outside.

Kisuke sat, stunned. Then, he shook his head and got briskly to his feet. He'd have to start inventing a fridge that only opened at a stroke from Benihime.

**A/N: So there it is. Sorry for the lack of romance, Rainbow Fruit Loop, but...yeah. I couldn't think of a way to make it cute an' fluffy without making it seem like, 'Woah'. If you get what I mean...DX**


End file.
